Marine acting as Machinist Inadvertently Brings on End Times.
Updated: Jul 27, 2021
The world is holding its collective breath today after a Marine acting in the civilian sector as a Machinist started Armageddon.
"I just misplaced a decimal point- I didn't think it was the end of the world," said Jim Orgero, an honorably discharged Marine of four years. "I mean, the math added up in my head. 65 minus 20 was 45. After I ran the part, I realized that it was supposed to have been .65 minus .020 equals .65."
That .180 miscalculation has religious scholars deeply concerned.
"Most people have been looking in government for the anti-Christ, figuring the number of the beast is 666," said Jason Aldeni, a Pastor who specializes in end times predictions. "Who'd have thought that the signal for the end times would be a .180 miscalculation on a government project."
Things could be worse it turns out. The part in question can easily be fixed.
"We've sent the part to welding to so it can be built back up. It should be right as rain within a day," said Sandra Ingalls, the shift lead for the company who manufactures the generators. "We think that if we re-run it fast enough, we can avert certain doom."
Some scholars are skeptical.
"There's no way to stop the end times! God Wills it!" Said Donnovan O'Toole, a local religious fanatic. "Once the end times has been started, the only thing we can do is repent of our sins, and give our souls over to Christ!"
When asked for comment regarding the end of times, Hillary Clinton only responded, "Yet another thing a man stole from me. That was supposed to be MY job!"
UPDATE: God recently contacted the AP and apologized for the confusion. It turns out the miscalculation from the Marine isn't bringing about the end of times.
"I'm really sorry this happened. Seems Michael was pressured into pulling a rather epic prank on one Jim Orgero at the behest of one of the Marines up here standing guard at the gates," said God.
"I just wanted to make sure that Orgero knew I was watching his sorry butt, so I no balls'ed Michael into doing it. That Angel's got a twisted sense of humor," said the spirit of Sergeant Andreo Santiago, Orgero's former squad leader.
"This is actually really depressing," said Orgero once he found out. "All this time I was told that Marines are only good at killing, and for a little while I figured I was the best Marine ever. I mean, ending the world? Can't do much better than that."